With under two weeks to go until the Big Day Out, I had to go and get 20% of my body massively sunburnt. Yup. Somehow, defying all odds, I managed to quite possibly be the only person in this part of the Southern Hemisphere who stumbled upon and soaked up enough UV rays on the weekend to cause parked cars, gas stations and small kittens to combust whenever I get within 50 metres of them. (I know, I’m sounding more illiterate than usual…)
I had all the intentions of staying out of the sun this summer and maintaining my pasty-white glow, but then I developed driver’s arm and the mental image of me being all pale white except for one tanned arm was worse than that of me being tanned. So I figured, blow it, I’ll saute the rest of my flesh. It’s just rather unfortunate that I sunbathe in the same manner that I cook dinner. I’m sure you get the picture…
Nicky will probably be inclined to say “I told you so”, being that she was the one who took a sheltered position in my backyard during my three hour vigil under the sun, and wisely suggested I “put some sunblock on at least”. Little gemstones of wisdom to which of course, I paid absolutely no attention. Snotty-faced little know-it-all that I am.
Three days on, and I’m still being informed of my radioactive condition by customers who seem to think they’re doing me a favour by declaring “well! That’s a bit of sunburn you’ve got there! You’ve cooked like a lobster!”
Really? I’m sunburnt? Holy shit, so I am! You know, if you hadn’t have told me, I’d never’ve known…
On what may be an entirely unrelated matter, through the course of the day my throat and lower right side of my face has broken out into some kind of heat rash. I slathered myself in antiseptic goop, but with the way things stand at the moment between me and old Murphy, I’ll probably wake up tomorrow morning to discover Necrotising fasciitis fighting sunburn for landrights.Regardless of whether or not I loose my facial muscles to a flesh eating disease, in a few more days when the sunburn has settled, I’m going to begin shedding skin like an alien out of V. I’m going to be a leper.
But at least this solves the problem of what to wear to the Big Day Out. I will be dressing myself like a Muslim suicide bomber.